Hi.

well since freshman year is almost over, i'm starting to feel pressured to prepare for my future. my brothers told me sophomore and junior year are the most important years that colleges look at. i feel like i'm not doing enough extracurricular activities. in fact, i'm not doing any at all! i don't feel like my grades are very good either and that my parents are disappointed i'm doing so badly in math and science. i feel so stupid at my school cuz my school is a very competitive high school full of asians. my mom keeps saying that i should be good at math and science cuz that's asians are usually good at.

i know i shouldn't compare myself to my friends or anything, but i can't help it. my bff is vice president of our class and she's so outgoing and is very good in leadership stuff and she's just like, a part of so much at our school! she's such an amazing person and i'm so proud of everything she does. there are times, though, where i feel like i'm not good enough. i can't find anything that i really like doing in school, something that i'm passionate about. i can't find anything i'm good at, which i don't know... i guess it scares me. what happens if i never find out what i'm good at and i'll forever remain average? how will i get into any good colleges then? i want to go to a good college because i'd feel satisfied and actually feel good enough and proud of myself. i want to make my parents proud of me. i feel like in these pass couple of months at school, i've been spending so much time congratulating other people on their achievements. meanwhile, i sit at home and wonder what i'm doing with my life and when will it be my turn to ever be congratulated for achieving something? when will it be my turn to be happy and stop crying over another failure of mine? i just feel like i'm on a lower level than everybody else.

it's also getting hotter here where i live, and so lots of people have been wearing shorts and skirts and i just feel so self conscious of my body. it doesn't help that we're doing swim for our next PE unit. i wouldn't mind being short if i weren't so chubby in some places, especially my thighs. i wouldn't mind being short, either, if it were for genetic reasons and not because of scoliosis...